Lynn Hall: The whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Published 12:00 am Thursday, September 27, 2018

I am so grateful that my parenting duties are long past. Raising children was an incredibly challenging job back in my day, but can you imagine what it must be like for parents today?

Mom: “Becky – I told you to clean your room if you wanted to go to the movie with your friends. There are books and clothes all over the floor and your bed isn’t made. You haven’t done what I ask. Therefore, no movie until this room is clean.”

Becky: “Mom – don’t believe what you see. Believe what I tell you. My room is clean and looks fine.”

Mom: “What do you mean don’t believe what I see?  I have two good eyes.”

Becky: “Yes, but the president said you shouldn’t believe what we see. Just what you’re told.”

Mom:  “So you’re saying that while I can clearly see a mess here, I’m supposed to ignore what I see and believe you when you say it’s clean?”

Becky:  “Exactly.”

Mom: “But that’s not the truth. The room isn’t clean and to say it is would be dishonest. We don’t tell lies in this house, young lady.”

Becky: “But isn’t a lie. Haven’t your heard, the truth isn’t the truth.”

Mom: “Oh really? And from where did this nugget of wisdom come?”

Becky: “Rudy Giulliani, the former mayor of New York City and an attorney said it on television. He said one person’s truth isn’t another person’s truth.”

Mom: “So while my truth is that books on the floor, clean clothes from the laundry basket dumped on top of your bed and the floor littered with everything from shoes to art supplies mean you did not clean your room, your truth about is entirely different.”

Becky: “Exactly.”

Mom: “Okay, let me get this straight. I don’t believe what I see, I believe what you tell me, and the truth isn’t the truth. Your truth is yours and someone else’s is just as true.”

Becky: “That’s right. You’ve got it now.”

Mom: “Hold on a second. So when I ask who spilled orange juice on the carpet and your brother said you did and you say he did, are both of those true?”

Becky: “Absolutely. That would be an example of what Kellyanne Conway calls a case of alternative facts.”

Mother (whose head is now swimming): “And if someone else were to have witnessed the incident and reported back to me that they actually saw who spilled the juice?”

Becky: “FAKE NEWS, Mom.”

Mom is now sitting on the edge of the bed fending off what is surely to be a migraine, as her daughter heads for the door.

Becky: “I almost forgot. Did you pick up my uniform at the dry cleaners? I need to wear it to school tomorrow. We have a game.”

Mom (suddenly feeling slightly better): “I did. It’s hanging in your closet.”

Becky (searching the closet): “I don’t see it. Are you sure you hung it up here?”

Mom: “Absolutely. It’s right there.”

Becky (clearly bewildered): “But I don’t see it anywhere.”

Mom: “I guess we are dealing with a case of alternative facts, and since truth isn’t truth, then I guess you will simply have to believe what I tell you and not what you see.”

Becky:“Seriously, Mom. this isn’t funny.”

Mom: “Wrong again. This is actually hilarious.”